15 minute city - Stonehouse

 You know this internet is a weird little mischief , I put a comment on one of the group forums for a little art collective earlier this morning , and the speed in which it was removed compelled me to write this little reflection 

So apparently , as part of Plymouth city councils operation to play gimp for the estate agents of this country , in a vague attempt to save some semblance of this sprawling failure of urban expanse ...to desperately attempt to tie up the royal William yard housing project , the millbay bankruptcy project offering ' modern living ' domiciles with a poor excuse for a balcony as your alloted exterior space and any other near waterfront real estate into some kind of cohesive portfolio.... It's a bit like the old fashioned ' dregs ' or ' all sorts ' ...when that used to be a regular thing in these old fashioned taverns , you know before they all started serving soy lattes and vegan tapas 

It's , well it's all a bit gross really ....

I have written and passed comment on the Stonehouse property project  in the past , it's just weird ...amusingly surreal I suppose to anyone that has become accustomed to a steady level of reasonable sobriety , of course it tends to be less obvious to the crowd still under the influence of the intoxicant in question ...

Have you ever turned up part way through a debauch - you are clear headed as you wander around a grimey mess, the light odour of vomit and spilled liquor .... The rainbow wigs and fancy dress of the previous days caked in old makeup and the scent of being slept in for one too many nights already, glitter mascara smeared as the ensconced participants , gurn , chat shit and assure you of all the fun that's still yet to be had ... From this position , you people aren't a good time , your a fuckin mess !!!

So union street , quite a name given the intended trajectory for the site , it used to be clubbers row in the city , the whole strip was filled with bars and clubs , the road itself  at kick out time was quite a thing to behold ,rather an impossible atmosphere to issue a dispersal order - from there house parties , beach parties , mass gatherings or the decision to clamber into the dance academy's to rave away till dawn 

These days I think we should re name the while street to ' nudge street ' 

You see a few years ago , once they realized that the royal William yard wasn't turning out to be the beacon of opulence they hoped it would be , a hip and happening little property project that promised the buyers of the refurbished mod property , that for just a modest investment they could be part of Plymouths own little cultural hub right on the water 

The Millbay project took root - and I suppose evolved into the 15 minute city project , but ,one small problem with the union street link down to the royal William yard in Stonehouse , acres upon acres of poorly positioned social housing and a regional reputation for long term drug addicts , prostitute's and ner do wells 

I think the clipper pub was the first installment , a bunch of weirdos from previous positions in the echelons of pcc , left Thier government paid positions to chase a load of funding promises to implement a arts and culture hub , hundreds of thousands of pounds were plumbed into the old pub , which as far as I can see , doesn't do a scale of trade that anyone should be envious of , presumably all the overheads for these properties are subsidized , or just occupy a liminal space where rent and rates are not applicable like they are for the rest of us 

So at the clipper , for the past few years ( basically since Plymouth city council shut down one of my parallel and independent ventures on the edge of the city ) had been offering , as well as soy lattes to be sipped by a roundabout with a heavy commuter traffic...were offering ' artist studio spaces ' for a few hundred pounds a month  - of course I was rather outspoken at the time and said  " most of our native makers in the original pre existing creative communities can't afford the hundreds of pounds a month in residential rents , how is this supposed to be a good idea ? To try to charge these last aspects of a viable local economy into subsidizing your property developers project " 

Well Plymouth city council managed to offer little pots of money for anyone daft enough to stick out their begging bowl for it ... Funding application options for just about anything with a rainbow flag ( never mind the crumbling state of infrastructure throughout the city and country as a whole )

After that I think union corners efforts to soup kitchen , or wonderzoo or whatever the fuck these people think they are doing - all of em emotionally unstable, internet interned morons with a do gooders attitude ( useful idiots to coin a phrase ) basically any of the part time alcoholics that think the Plymouth city council sponsored punx picnic is actually a thing worthy of celebration .... You know logo ists - and the perpetually baffled ... Simpletons !!

Next I think was the leadworks creative space - now this was weird , I had just come back from Amsterdam , I had been encouraged by a young lady companion to take up residence in the city once again ( despite me already securing the mantra " trying to do something in Plymouth is like voluntarily stuffing your leg into a bear trap "

Off the back of my previous assertion that the city is in fact a cancerous arsehole in the ground that has been aggressively sexually assaulted by a roughly hewn concrete fist ....based in my own previous experiences of the place 

So lead works - I get a phone call one day from one of my contemporaries suggesting I get involved in the leadworks enterprise by popping down and bookings £50 table for a arts and craft table top sale , in this dilapidated part of town in a shitty old building - I think within weeks of dispanding from squatting the RAOB ( a legitimate protest against the lack of independent art spaces in the city and the ongoing brexit fiasco ) 

Fuck off mate ...how much do you think it'll cost me to lugg a load of art , dinosaurs , rocks and architectural models down to your boot sale , before I even rent an effing table for your jumble sale !! The woman that apparently spearheaded the leadworks idea ...some old bag with an MBE ( regular drinker in the RAOB ) and Tudor evans OBE ( long term irritation to myself and my endeavours ) and Chris Penberthy ... Some real turds in our local management structures 

.....didn't Jimmy saville end up with such statist royal endorsement as well 🤔 

So nudge and leadworks are building back better out of the emaciated remains of a hellscape part of town in order to entice the bourgeoisie to invest in the neighbouring property development projects that Plymouth is desperately hoping will give some credence to the ' Britain's ocean city ' advertising campaign ( I think a handful of signs that cost the city about 70 grand ) 

While I'm inventing and art course for the local rehabilitation services that I'm single handedly delivering throughout lockdown , despite kick back from every single angle and a notable absence of any of these fucking cowards doing anything during lockdown 

...I think the plot took up root ....followed by the millennium property project , in amazingly timed conjunction with some billionaire buying drakes island for a sort of outdoor activities centre , I was kept at arms length while these little collusive bands of twats were all applauding themselves for how much money they got out of furlough and all the good they were thinking about doing in the community once lockdowns had ended .... Despite not warranting an invitation out to the island , an awful lot of our learners were syphoned off to paint walls and cut back weeds on the island as a build back better set of volunteers for the council and the billionaire that had garnered these grand plans ....all by themselves , without a single look at any of my online content of course 

So now I look at you , all of you , as I think yet another former nightclub premises is handed over to this collection of government sponsored women's institute wannabes , these subcommittees of people that honestly have just been stuffed into position as mascots and hubs to get the poor lost souls of the previous decades administrative failings ... Rallying back around a flag , oh sure ...for now it's festooned with rainbow flags and inclusivity ( well other than my own ostracized self of course - no it's not an embittered position , because well , look at the fucking state of you ) 

...but it won't be long before your banner is dropped and replaced with the fluttering union jack of a near extinct eco system of very well to do halfwits ... 

All I see , is some carefully selected turds held together by a very loose weave bag of wankers , and as much as it does irk me to be as apparently invisible as I seem to have become to these Dot GUV initiatives and there little packs of sycophants  it certainly offers me a Great deal if amusement too 

As if I was sat watching the chuckle brothers trying to build the Panama canal out of hamsters while I sporadically throw a pineapple at them ,I guess 😆